Fear Itself.

     It has been a while since I have felt motivated to write. This town is small, and I have found myself desperately searching for new places to explore and train and new people with which to do these things. I have never been one to turn down an opportunity out of fear, and yet that is almost exactly what I did this past weekend.
     When the commander of your unit asks you to join him on a bike ride, not under any circumstances do you object. Ever. I had recently purchased a beautiful new Quintana Roo TT bike so that I may actually have a shot at placing in my upcoming tri. My commander has been racing road bikes for many years, 50 to be exact, and invited me to join him on a "short, easy ride" from Auburn to Seattle. This is about a 50 mile ride...with hills.

Side note: previous to the actual invite, my ego decided to speak without my consent to let my commander know that I would beat him in a bike race on any given day. My ego seriously needs to be controlled.

     The offer was placed on the table at the beginning of the work day, and I accepted. However, the next 8 hours were filled with absolute terror. I was truly afraid that I would not be able to accomplish this distance. I did not believe in my abilities nor my will to even try. I contemplated ways in which to back out of the mission and quietly go home with my tail between my legs. WHO WAS THIS PERSON??
     Fear may destroy even the most strong willed person, if they allow it. I was afraid to fail. I did not want to fail and was therefore afraid to try. But avoiding a challenge out of fear is in itself, failing.
     I had to go through with it, and what happened during those painful 50 miles was by far one of the best experiences of my life. First of all, I'll say that I accomplished it - and once I started, not once did I think about quitting. Had I been riding by myself, I probably would have. But having someone with you that truly believes in your abilities and pushes you past your limits is more valuable than you can imagine. This is the strength that I have been desperately desiring for months. I need to be pushed in order to succeed. I need to constantly demand more of myself and prove that I am stronger than my fear. Had I given in to my self-doubt, I would have missed out on this incredible opportunity. I will never make that mistake again.
     You must try. You must do. Take the opportunities in front of you and demand more from yourself every day. When I become complacent, I lose myself and I forget what I am truly capable of. Take into account the chances in your life that are offered to you every day. Even something as simple as a bike ride can help put everything into perspective for you. God has put a passion for fitness in my heart for a reason, yet I am still learning my own strength. I have only been involved in the racing community for a year, but the point of it all is to set goals, conquer them, and continue to break through the limitations I have set upon myself. Everyone is capable of accomplishing what they think they cannot, and fear is the only limiter.

On Fire

"You give me miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask for the sea..."

     Rarely are we ever satisfied with our performances. Even after our best races we might be content for a moment, but it is in our nature to constantly over-analyze and re-evaluate, finding seconds on the course, flaws in our race plans, what ifs… should haves… and could haves.  Are we ever satisfied? There is a competitive mentality that keeps us coming back for more, day after day, race after race, and year after year…  so at the end of the day only a small select few might actually walk away content. If we will all eventually walk away disappointed, then what is the point? Why do we step out the door each day?  If only one person can be the best, are the rest of us essentially failing?  I certainly don’t have the answers, but today I’ll walk out the door with my Brooks tied tight and hopes of setting the world on fire firmly en grained in my mind. Odds are I’ll never accomplish my overarching goal of dominating a career field that has forever been specific to only men, but maybe…just maybe, I will. With that in mind I’ll take off down the road and put in the days work.  If we don’t try we’ll never know. At least I can find out how good I can be.  I can have an answer at the end of the days, and have a hell of a good time with the process.

Kowabunga.

     As I am reflecting on the past year, I am truly realizing how strong I have become - not only in running but in my heart and mind as well. This blog has been an outlet and a record for the mistakes and joys of running and the progression of life in 2011. I am thankful, I am blessed, and I am anxious to find out what 2012 has in store...
     Looking back, I am proud to say that I am at a completely different point in my life now than I was a year ago. Broken, disheveled, and lost, I did not believe I would ever be able to get back up from one of the worst falls Ive ever taken. It was difficult for me to start writing because I am naturally a private person and sharing my feelings is not something I enjoy doing often, if ever. However once I realized the powerful impact that sharing our words and stories with others has, I couldn't seem to stop writing. We are meant to be an inspiration to others through our actions and share these experiences with others through our words. Reading my past stories, both good and bad, has helped me realize that I'm on the road to fully recovering and thriving. So, thinking about the year, I pose this question to all of you: Are you where you want to be? This question can apply to your career, personal life, love, or even where you are living. If the answer is no, then why are you not taking the necessary steps to be where you want to be?
     When I answer this question, I can honestly say no; I’m not exactly where I want to be … yet. I say “yet” because I am a work in progress.  I have many goals, most rather outlandish, but I know exactly what I want and how to get there. It all depends on how hard I work and the choices I decide to make along the way. Last year, I couldn’t predict the future, but I made the choice to overcome my obstacle and I did. As long as you make the choice to get through it, you will. You make the choice on how you want to live your life, who you want to associate with, and what you do with your time. As I said in my previous note: never let your circumstances define you. I hope you choose to be the best version of yourself you can possibly be and take the steps to get there.
Be bold.
   

This is not just a running blog...

     Life can change course in a moment. Each of us has had experiences where the path we were on suddenly diverged and led us to a place we never would have imagined. Sometimes, we choose to take a different road. Other times, the new path seems to happen by chance. We are thrusted into a seemingly unbearable situation only to emerge with enlightenment and strength. Some experiences alter our path only slightly, while others rock our worlds to the extent that life will never be the same.
     I have never believed in coincidence. Every person that has blessed my life's course and every dreadful or euphoric experience I have had was given to me to guide me along this journey, to teach, and to help me understand that I must choose to be more than my circumstances are dictating. We may all use our past or present circumstances as excuses to not succeed, but those that build in themselves a burning desire to live life less ordinary, to test their limits and discover their maximum potential are the ones that will live with strength that cannot be broken.
     "You must allow yourself to succeed." I have incredible friends. And by the grace of God, one of my dearest friends shared that wisdom with me today. What you do not know is that I have an incredible fear of failure. Not of anyone's standards but my own. I have fiercely high standards for myself, and as long as I meet these standards - be it running or otherwise, then I have not failed. I have always thought of success as an untouchable dream. I allowed my circumstances to determine which walls could be broken down and which must increasingly be reinforced. My dreams of success have been guarded because for so long they were out of reach. A year ago I had one specific life altering moment that shattered so many constricting walls and instilled in me unbreakable strength. Identifying our faults, and owning them, are what gives way to rebuilding into the best version of ourselves we could possibly become. Overthrow your mediocrity, purge your flaws, refine your strengths, and rebuild yourself to match your own highest standards.
     "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
                                                                   -Henri J.M. Nouwen
    
   

Knowledge Without Mileage is Bullshit to Me.

Explorers have to be ready to die lost.” – Russell Hoban.

     I have always loved the grit that resides in that statement. Over many years humans have softened and our priorities have shifted. It’s understandable that in uncertain and challenging times we often take comfort in some of life’s simpler pleasures and attach greater significance to modest victories. Every year there are fewer things that humans are driven to achieve. We need to get lost occasionally if only to find ourselves again. We need to venture out into the unknown and uncharted waters if only to feel an unfamiliar texture and temperature against our skin. We need to occasionally get in the dangerous mix of things if only to exercise that set of precious instincts. We seek out any number activities, sports or competitions to, at some core level, remember the adrenalin rush of outwitting and outmaneuvering, of surviving an encounter with a predator, the elements or a foe.

     To be always safe and always secure would go against our natures and potentially drive us mad. We would risk forfeiting the richness of life, our humanity and perhaps our very souls. It’s not the fact that we’ve survived that makes us interesting since nearly any insect does the same thing and potentially does it better. It’s the way we’ve survived against all odds and in spite of our own tendencies toward courting danger.

A year ago, I never thought I would be where I am currently. I look back on my journey, and it is astonishing to see how far I have come. To know the changes that have taken place in my heart, body, spirit, and mind is no small feat. It meant grasping the plan God had for me and fully trusting him no matter the outcome. The dark held me for years, until I finally discovered that I was powerful enough to run from it. Thank God for running, and thank God for the people that have blessed me with their life and love along the way.
     In the end, it is not tanks that win our battles. It is the power of our story and telling others what Jesus has done for us. When we tell our story, our story helps us reclaim territory that the enemy has taken.

Recklessly or not, you must go looking for life changing experiences and find them.

   

Strength Through Rest; A Slacker's Manifesto

     I live for days like today. My body was fully rested and hydrated and my five mile run was effortless. It felt as though I were floating, mile after mile and breath after breath. My gait was impeccable, my stride consistent, and my form flawless. These days do not happen often, especially lately with the stress i have been undergoing of moving to a new city and leaving my friends and family. My record of never living in one place for longer than a year has been consistent since i turned 18...and while i absorb the benefits of change, i also look forward to becoming familiar with one town for the next 3 years. And this is why I live for days like today. My friends and family are wonderful and they know me well. When they can see that I am stressed beyond my means, these are always their words: Go for a run Bugs. I follow their orders and suddenly the world is not as dim as it once was.
     As with everything in life, I am not immune. The aches and pains I have suffered are unique and distinct to who I am and to the life God intended for me. I have prayed often for God to take away my injuries so that I may run at the level that I used to...Alas, healing will always take time and patience. Instead of taking away my injuries altogether - as though they never existed, He replaces them stronger muscles and tendons that had never had the chance to grow. Injuries are a blessing. They help your realize that you are human, and getting hurt should not be your downfall - even if the pain lasts for years. Injuries may lead you into a new direction, a new passion as mine lead me to triathlon. And they are not the end of you, but the beginning of a stronger more resilient athlete and human being.
     As many of you have read, I enjoy pushing myself beyond my limits. My philosophy being that anything a normal person could do, and endurance athlete could do twice as well for twice as long. And thus, I am still somewhat broken. Athletes must find the balance between going hard and going home. Too much hard work and you will break down. Too much easy work and you will go slow. We must use the concept of rest to guide the concept of maximizing hard work. Our bodies replenish energy stores, oxygen carrying red blood cells, and any other metabolic substrate that has been used up during the period of stimulus. During rest our bodies will exceed the normal biological state, and greater stores of energy will be available during the next stimulus (Vigil). In other words, rest makes us stronger. Which works both in life and in running.
     So why am I so bad at resting? When I rest I allow all those nagging doubts and fears in my subconscious to rise to the surface. Id rather endure hours upon hours of hill repeats, ice cold 4am mile and a half lake swims, and pushing my body to collapse and making it exhausted than listen to those negative thoughts. I need rest, and yet I fear rest. To know rest is to know quiet. To know quiet is to know a time without self-deception. And to know rest is also to know rejuvenation.
     You need to know this about me: Running saved my life. Without running I would be dead somewhere. t kept me sane when I was trying to find my way in life. It gave me a sense of self when the world didn't get me. It gave me peace on days when my mind was chaos. It gave me glory as I crossed my first finish line. It gave me contentment, gave me connection, gave me catharsis.
     Strength through rest...what a concept.
    

The scourge of the running world:

     HILLS. So beneficial to training and yet so deeply loathed. I remember when I first began my training for the marathons my friend recommended we do a few hill repeats to strengthen my legs and improve my endurance. "Why not?" I thought. "I am comfortable sprinting up a 25m hill." When we got to the actual "hill" (small mountain is more fitting) I cannot recall a time I have dropped more F-bombs in my life. "That?! You want me to run THAT?! More than once?!" This was a 400m hill at a fairly steep incline. Like a lot of areas of my training that I eventually overcame, I had the idea in my head that is was impossible. Had I only known I had just found the new love of my life, I would have owned that hill years ago.
     That first experience was brutal. I accomplished maybe only 2 or 3 repeats. Every week I would meet with this exact same hill and tackle it all over again, cursing its very existence. Hills are like that. And the best part is: Everyone bleeds. They are a place of private inward pain and challenge where all runners are equal, forced by the incline and their own fitness to become a better version of themselves on their journey to the top. Hills torment us all, and they are necessary to us all. Running hills develops explosive power and muscle tone in our glutes, hip flexors, calves, and hamstrings. Our form becomes precise, because the body needs to flow in an optimal fashion charging uphill. And consecutive hill repeats increases overall speed and cardiopulmonary function.
     I stood at the bottom of this hill today afraid of the challenge, and that's how i like it. I thrive off my fear, i embrace it, i crave it. Fear has made me determined to conquer what I am afraid of. I need fear to prove that I am capable of overcoming it and that I am strong enough to handle the challenge. The day I am no longer afraid of the challenge before me is the day I need to push myself beyond what I am currently trying to achieve. I like confrontation, and hills are nothing if not confrontation.
     Current hill repeat count: 12 sprints up and down 400m monster.